frekiandgeri: (Default)

It's hard for me to let go.

I've long held onto the dream of what I call my 'happily ever after'. My definition may differ from the story books, but even at that it's a rarity in this world. And some days I wonder if it's possible at all.

Some days I marvel at all the things we have in common and it truly feels like we are one soul split up into two different bodies. Other days I feel that connection waning and I wonder if we're even compatible enough to make it. There have been times when even my cynical mother has said our meeting seemed like fate and that we were made for each other. But other times we seem mismatched. I feel extreme highs and extreme lows... and I really don't want either. I would be thrilled to have a comfortable, happy medium that makes me feel secure and loved.

The last shred of my innocence and wellbeing have survived on my belief that true love does exist and monogamy, however unnatural it may be, can be chosen and treasured. The belief that two people can remain happy over the years. The belief that your best friend and lover is all you need in the world, and all others are simply in the background.

I find my heart being tugged around by inconsistency. One day it is being told what it wants to hear and another day it's being crushed with the news that what was said may not have been entirely true. Whether this inconsistency is intentional or not, it's wreaking havoc on my already fragile mentality from being so far from everything I know. A little consistency would be wonderful, even if it isn't what I want to hear. I'd much rather know something hurtful to be fact, than have my hopes falsely risen by a beautiful fib.

Maybe I expect too much. Maybe no one out there feels the way I do and I should just give up on my pitiful ideals. Perhaps our differences aren't so much proof that we're not meant to be, but more a product of our genders, different wiring, and different backgrounds.

I've always felt that mono/poly relationships were a raw deal for the mono person in the relationship. That one person was doing all the sacrificing because they couldn't bear to lose the other person, even if it meant settling for less than what they wanted. I've NEVER believed that settling was acceptable. I vowed to NEVER settle again. But perhaps that's what this has come down to. Maybe I just need to accept the fact that I'll be doing the sacrificing, and settle for a lesser version of my 'happily ever after' because in the end... it's still more beautiful than anything I've ever experienced and it's still incredibly rare.

Maybe it's time for me to just let go of that last little shred.



D
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February 2011

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